Amazing grace.

“They are good teachers; indeed, I have few better. As for their names, I will tell you them in your own language, and later you will learn what they are called in their own tongue. This,” he said, motioning toward the first of the silent figures, “is named Sorrow. And the other is her twin siser, Suffering.”

Poor Much-Afraid! Her cheeks blanched and she began to tremble from head to foot. She felt so like fainting that she clung to the Shepherd for support.

“I can’t go with them,” she gasped. “I can’t! I can’t! O my Lord Shepherd, why do you do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought you would do this to me!” And she burst into tears.

A strange look passed over the Shepherd’s face as he listened to this outburst, then looking at the veiled figures as he spoke, he answered very gently, “Joy and Peace. Are those the companions you would choose for yourself? You remember your promise, to accept the helpers that I would give, because you believed that I would choose the very best possible guides for you. Will you still trust me, Much-Afraid? Will you go with them, or do you wish to turn back to the Valley, and to all your Fearing relatives, to Craven Fear himself?”

Much-Afraid shuddered. The choice seemed terrible. Fear she knew only too well, but Sorrow and Suffering had always seemed to her the two most terrifying things which she could encounter. How could she go with them and abandon herself to their power and control? It was impossible. Then she looked at the Shepherd and suddenly knew she could not doubt him, could not possibly turn back from following him; that if she were unfit and unable to love anyone else in the world, yet in her trembling, miserable little heart, she did love him. Even if he asked the impossible, she could not refuse.

Hinds’ Feet on High Places
Hannah Hurnard

Change is hard. The thing is, I’m always the type to get really amped up about something in the beginning, only to have that passion and energy fizzle away very quickly. I’m an idealistic optimist who can turn into a negative pessimist really quickly. I’ve tried to do resolutions a few times before and honestly, I don’t remember any of them. I’m pretty sure that they involved something with the Bible and prayer a few years. Maybe writing more. Eating healthier? Exercising? Something along those lines.

I’m learning that for resolutions, I’m going to have to keep recycling them every year. It’s ok to set the bar high– I just have to realize that that change may not come in a year but that that isn’t a reason to give up halfway into February when I realize that I haven’t even thought about my resolutions since the first week of January. Instead, I should just shrug and realize that it takes a lifetime’s worth of effort, if even, to accomplish some of my goals.

So for 2012, I’m not setting resolutions for this year. I’m setting foundations for my resolutions next year. If I’m not making change as quickly as I want to, that’s ok. As long as I keep persevering with it. If I’m not making any change at all, then that’s not ok. I need to stop and look at the situation to see what the problem is.

It’s going to be a simple list. I may add to it along the way. But unless if it’s something that’s a one time thing only (e.g., adopt a cat, finish that short story), things shouldn’t ever be removed from this list.

1. Don’t be a complainer in speech, thought, or action.
2. Read through the Bible (continually)
3. Pray harder and more boldly
4. Learn to enjoy waking up early
5. Make something with whole wheat pasta that actually doesn’t make me want to throw up
6. Limit eating out to twice a month (once a week at most)

I have a couple of others but I’m going to sit on those. Maybe those aren’t for me to share, either. They’re all really difficult for me (particularly #5… haha) but like I said, if I don’t make good progress in 2012, that’s ok. I’m not setting up resolutions to check off a box next to ‘em anyway. I know that typically, practical applications accompany resolutions but I find that once I do things like that, I am even more likely to not do something. I guess I don’t like structure as much as I thought I did. :)

Happy 2012! We have much to be thankful for!

“And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in saddling clothes and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.”

Luke 2:4-7

That he would come so humbly, with such controversy. The heartache it must’ve caused Mary and Joseph to lay him in a manger. That his first group of worshipers weren’t the priests or scribes, who knew the prophesies, but shepherds.

Yet, the multitudes in heaven praised God at this, saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”

Gloria in excelsis Deo, to the humble King who was born to die.

But one thing that I have concluded in light of the past month is that I’m thankful that God loves me enough to give me trials. I’m thankful that he gives me difficult trials that seem like they’ll break me but in the end, I see truth win out. Wins my heart over each time.

Winter break in 1.5 weeks. :) Until then, it is time to 1 Cor. 10:31 it in my studies. (Haha I know that this should always be the case but…)

As I’m sitting here, waiting to take the bus home, I’m looking around and am still in disbelief that I’m a graduate student at UCLA. A campus that always felt so cramped, crowded, and foregin is beginning to feel comfortable. As for classes, it’s hard to believe that I’m being trained, right now, to do things that could potentially impact thousands of lives. It’s not just taking prerequisites that I need to finally learn what I want to learn– that’s what my undergraduate education was for.

I can’t believe that I’m at Grace Church. Not just because of the big names that are found there (is it bad that I don’t really care?) but because of the community that I’m finding there even though it’s such a huge church. To see thousands of believers in corporate worship every Sunday, to think that in heaven, I’ll finally be able to get to know them all.

It hasn’t been easy. I’ve wanted to write and share on many occasions but I couldn’t figure out what to say. “I’m struggling with depression right now,” “I wonder if I’m really cut out to be an epidemiologist,” “I feel like I can’t get a grip on anything.”

I feel like my roommate has seen the whole spectrum that usually takes others a year or two to see haha…

In the midst of everything that’s going on and my struggle to not rest on my wisdom but on God’s, in this fight for joy and contentment, I’m only starting to tangibly see the blessings of being in LA right now. I was so scared that I would regret my decision to come here as opposed to Atlanta but really, as emotionally tired, weak, and fragile as I am, the Lord has provided abundantly for me in my weaknesses. Truly, Christ’s power is made perfect in my weaknesses.

So thankful for the hope found in the gospel.

This in turn reminded me of spring quarter of freshman year. That was a bad quarter. I don’t know if many people know how distressed and homesick I was at the time– I just cried the whole time. There was also something really intense going on with a friend back home at the time and so I wasn’t really all there.

Perhaps what I feel right now isn’t so much peace (like I felt last week) but more of apathy. I know that 20% of my grade is of my lab work, which isn’t too difficult, and that I still have another midterm that’s coming up. This midterm’s 20% of my grade so I’m not too terribly concerned.

It’s a pretty bad attitude to have. I know that it’s one thing to know that it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t do well but it’s another thing to plan to be lazy and to be a slacker.

So I will stop listening to David Choi, which is making me feel like skipping around my living room while singing along, and listen to something a bit more upbeat. Mm… Thrice may do quite nicely…

(Sorry, really random post but I feel like I should expose how bad of a student I’m being right now. D: )

As I study for my first midterm in graduate school, I can’t help but rejoice. I see how, regardless of the anxieties and struggles, the Spirit has gripped and transformed my heart, how it’s so natural to recount God’s faithfulness and to be reminded of eternity and how this point in time pales in comparison to Christ’s glory and splendor.

Yeah, I’m nervous. This is the most difficult class for me this quarter. I have really smart classmates so undoubtedly, the curve will be unforgiving. Yet to know that it won’t be my score but more so how I honored Him that’ll count at the end of it all– somehow, all the anxiety is lifted away and my mind has the peace to study.

Strange how such a stressful situation can bring such tranquility. I haven’t been in a pocket of peace like this for a few months now but now that I’m in it, I never want to leave it.

Thank goodness for the reminder of the Cross, the reminder of the glory to come, and… more midterms next week to keep me meditating on this. :)

“We all live in these two worlds in some way. Some of our deepest joys and most painful hurts have been in relationships. There are times we wish we could live alone and other times we are glad we don’t. What is certain is that we all have been shaped significantly by relationships that are full of both sorrow and joy.”

“We all look for strategies or techniques that will free us from the pain of relationships and the hard work good relationships demand. We hope that better planning, more effective communication, clear role definitions, conflict resolution strategies, gender studies, and personality typing–to name just a few–will make the difference. There may be value in these things, but if they were all we needed, Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection would be unnecessary or, at best, redundant.

“Skills and techniques appeal to us because they promise that relational problems can be fixed by tweaking our behavior without altering the bent of our hearts. But the Bible says something very different. It says that Christ is the only real hope for relationships because only he can dig deep enough to address the core motivations and desires of our hearts.”

******

Reading this book (Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Lane & Tripp) has not only been convicting but comforting. They hit the nail on the head with so many things that they mention, to the point of making me laugh nervously as I underline sentences.

I know that I’m not an extreme case but I know that I’m not the tamest of cases either. I thought that I was always too much of a handful, that I shouldn’t really burden other people to deal with me. After all, if I had been scraping along this whole time and surviving, then couldn’t I just keep doing it my whole life?

A part of me still wants to say no in rebellion to the quotes above, saying that it’s too hard. I look around at the world and I panic– everyone else seems to be adjusting fine, everyone else seems to know how to do these things naturally. I’m left here wondering what I can do to have the kind of ease that they do. I fall into despair because I wonder who would want to be friends with me because really, I don’t have much to offer. Even when I know that biblically speaking, that shouldn’t really matter, I still wonder what it is other people would see in me that they would go out of their way to build a relationship with me. How can they possibly desire to put any kind of hard work in when I can’t stand myself sometimes?

Overthinking again, I know. But sometimes it’s really difficult for me to reconcile what God’s Word says and understanding how other people act toward me, be it that they care about me or don’t care that I’m there at all. I wonder how much energy I need to put in and if there will be any return– if not, then it’s wasteful to invest anything in the first place, right?

There are always two sides warring inside my head and inside my heart. Even if the battle is won in my head, it’s not guaranteed that that knowledge will be translated into my will.

All while smiling and being that fun, extroverted person that people inevitably know me to be. How to come clean about all of this while I’m still that loud people person that most people know me to be? And it’s not that I’m acting, even. At one point in my life, I had been that way. I had been outgoing, fearless, confident. Oh, how easily all of that was broken and dashed.

I need to remember that there’s still hope. In the midst of the confusion and wondering if it’s meant to be this way on this side of heaven, I need to fight for joy. For the truth. The Holy Spirit’s still dwelling in me, Jesus’ death and resurrection still hold, and the Father is my Abba– what more do I still want for?

People think I’m kidding when I say this. They’re probably thinking that I’m fishing for sympathy or something. Maybe. But really, I’ve spent so much of my time mentally preparing to live with a menagerie of animals and a handful of hobbies. This goes way back. Way way way back.

But maybe I should mention why I’m talking about knitting and kitties.

I think that for pretty much my whole life after elementary school (only because I can’t remember what I thought about this then), I couldn’t see myself living in coexistence with other people. Granted, I would be a functioning member of society and I would have friends. But really beyond that, I couldn’t see it happening.

I’ve had some bad experiences with friends and especially the variety that tossed around the term “close friends” or “best friends” really easily. Long story short, no one ever pulled through (save one). I’ve alluded to it multiple times on this blog but perhaps I should go into detail one day. It’s nothing too terrible or horrific– I think that for my feeble little heart, it was really scarring.

That’s carried over significantly, if not, completely, to life after becoming a Christian and even to this present moment. It hit me recently that I don’t know what it’s like to have best friends. I mean, I do. But what do best friends do? Why are they best friends? What does it look like? Do they just know each other’s secrets? And by saying that they’re “close,” what does that entail? Is there a quota of regular contact that needs to be met?

I know that it sounds ridiculous and like I’m overanalyzing it but suffice it to say, that’s the genuine confusion that I have. I feel like there are dos and don’ts, though I know full well that that’s not the case, and I feel like if I come off too needy, everyone’s going to leave me.

I’ve become to accustomed to keeping things to myself, maybe sharing up to 75% of what I’m feeling but keeping the 25% of the raw, unprocessed, most powerful kind of emotions locked away.

It’s lonely.

I’m so used to it, though. I’m so used to having a paper substitute for what I know people should be to me which is why I wrote so much while I was in high school. I’ve even written a writing assignment for one of my upper division workshops on my relationship with writing. In a way, it was born out of necessity. No one else was there yet I needed some kind of a release. My mother had trained me to write daily in my diary since I was six years old. It was a natural kind of product.

The problem is, I’m still unsure of how to break this. If I’m feeling this way or that, do I just bring it up to a friend? Or do I process it first, figure out why I’m feeling this way, try to remedy the situation, and only go to a friend if I’ve exhausted everything that I can do? Because the latter is what the past six years have been and it’s starting to prove to be very ineffective.

In that way, sometimes to say that I’m going to knit all day and play with my kitties seems like such a perfect escape. I’ll be far from the reaches of empty promises and unmet expectations. I’ll just come home to some very hungry cats and work on some hobby that I’ve never previously had the time for. I’ve always seen it this way. Nothing else seems really feasible or even, at some times, desirable.

This serves kind of as a preface to what I’ve been wanting to blog about but have been too scared to. Loneliness. And I’m not talking about the kind of loneliness a gal may feel while singing along with Snow White, “Sooome dayyy my prince will comeeee…” I’m talking about the kind of loneliness where you’re surrounded by people but you have nowhere to turn to. The kind of loneliness where it’s late at night and you can’t sleep because you can’t shake off the feelings of abandonment, disappointment, and absolute isolation. The kind that you can physically feel– it’s like this strange pressure on your chest that makes it difficult to breath sometimes.

I’ve become very well acquainted with it. It doesn’t really matter who’s in my life as a friend at the time. They’re usually unsure of how to handle this issue because I never talk about it. It’s pretty humbling to admit that I struggle with this.

And the thing is, I know what parts of it originate from sin and I know the remedies to it. All textbook answers. I know that they can produce true joy. The thing is, though, when you’re in the thick of something like this and you feel as though it wouldn’t matter to anyone or anything in the world whether you disappear or become slowly detached and live an independent, quiet life… those truths take a little while longer to sink in. Sometimes, I don’t even want to think about those truths because it’s frustrating.

But more on that later. I know that I had a good momentum going on with that last paragraph but it is quite late.

And I’m sure that this is quite unnecessary to mention but this blog is going to take a turn for the emo. Please don’t poke fun at the emo-ness of it. It actually hurts a lot when someone makes light of another person’s pain.

Ok, good night!