Afraid of what?

There are so many things that I’m afraid of. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m still afraid of the dark. I’m also deathly scared of needles but have learned to cope with that fear (since I donate blood as regularly as I can).

The worst fear that I have, though, is my fear of man and closely tied to that, the fear of getting hurt.

No one enjoys being injured by others but because that’s what most of my human interactions have been like my whole life, my heart became hardened starting in junior high and I started to construct an outer person to present to the world.

I know that most people, too, have a facade, however thick or thin it may be, but I take it to a whole other level. Through it, I try to stave off any intimiate kind of relationship with anyone and try to keep things shallow. Because, I fear, the moment I open up my heart and expose who I really am, a trembling, small person, I’ll be taken advantage of again. If I show any kind of weakness, then I’m basically asking for death.

I’ve been learning, since I got saved, that I have this problem and that it really is a matter of pride. I remember when I first came across 1 Cor. 6:7 (Paul is talking about how the Corinthians are suing each other), “Why not rather suffer wrong?” I had to stop there and think about it myself.

Why not rather suffer wrong, Moon? Why do you always need to be protecting yourself?

So much of what I’ve been doing interpersonally has been an act and it’s difficult for me to put my guard down. I do it naturally now. To do otherwise would be difficult, would require me to think.

But that means that I need to be thinking, I need to realize when I’m turning the conversation shallow for the sake of protecting myself.

Just a couple of thoughts before I went off to get bad boba at Tea N More.

Rain

It’s kind of a strange idea if you think about it. Water falls from the sky, little droplets at a time.

God’s so creative.

Resolved

I didn’t want to make any resolutions for this year because I do them without much thought and I haven’t made resolutions in a long while.

But you know those things you know you should get around to doing that are sitting on the back burner? And you just keep thinking to yourself, “Once I’m not so busy and have time to think it through, I will…” Well, I suppose that it’s time. Haha.

These are really concrete resolutions. I know that I need to have practical modes of attack/application but for now, I’ll have these to chew on:

1. Eating more fruit and vegetables. I’m terrible about this. I like fruits but veggies… haha. I’m somewhat embarrassed to say that I dislike vegetables. Not hate. I’ll eat ‘em and be ok. But I won’t go out of my way to eat them. My mom fed me fruits and veggies growing up so it’s not really that I’m not used to it… it’s just that I’ve personally never liked it. But I need to work on it if I want to be healthier and not feel dead all the time. I want my body to be in good condition otherwise for ministry (especially important this coming year) and for life in general.

2. Reading. Be it for learning or pleasure. There are a list of literature that I want to read but I also want to profit from the abundant resources that are out there.

3. Exercise. I’ve been getting better about this this year and found out that I do hit a runner’s high (yay! But I hit it kinda early… which is kinda sad… because that means that your body’s in pain and is trying to block it out… hahaha). I still don’t like running but it’s become tolerable. Like vegetables. It just feels good to run and to know that I’m keeping in shape so I can have energy for living. Haha. Just the basic act of living. @_@;;

4. Writing. I want to write more Christian-themed stories. I started writing in junior high and continued on with it in high school because I had no close friends. Writing was the only outlet I had and thus, it took a turn for the dark and it’s still hard for me to break the habit. I want to write in a way that will glorify God, edify believers, and evangelize to the lost.

5. Watercolor. It’s a hobby I picked up just this past quarter. I’ve only started to get my feet wet but hope to practice it more and not be intimidated by it. (Color mixing is hard… ;o;) I’ve found that it’s practical to have some kind of an artistic eye and want to develop it further.

Pretty simple list but that’s what I have for now. Perhaps I’ll come up with more as the year progresses.

Hm. I thought that I had posted a new year’s post on here but realize that it was on my private journal. Which makes sense. … Since the entry was really personal. Ahaha. But anyway. I am eating a salad right now (but with turkey in it… aha) and will be typing up notes.

Bye bye.

Rest

Funny, when I come home, it’s not really rest… it’s more like I’m still pretty busy but don’t have to study. … For school. … Since I’m studying for the GRE right now.

It’s such a sweet time to sit down and think about how the past quarter has been.

Hectic. Crazy. No sleep. Thinking about electronegativity, basicity, and acidity too much. Feeling like a zombie everyday. Drinking too much bad boba from Tea N More.

@_@_@_@_@_@_@

But for what? What was I doing it all for?

When GMao and I talk, we kind of use each other as sound boards. We kind of rattle stuff off to each other, respond to each other, then use that to spring off to another thought or idea. And through it all, I realized that it’s not just that it’s “bad” to be so busy with school and life and stuffs, but it’s worth absolutely nothing, were it not for the sake of His name.

Then that really puts things into perspective.

Right now, as I’m still considering what job to take up after I graduate and knowing that grad school is an absolute certainty right now, I’m being reminded more and more of the foolishness of setting plans and then thinking that it’ll happen, no matter what, that I’ll make it happen. Because if there’s no thought of the eternal being factored into it, I’m investing into nothing but vanity, into nothing but ashes that will be blown away by the wind.

As there are a lot of loose ends that I want to tie up while I’m at home ( practicing Liebestraum and finishing FF7 haha) and a lot of chores to help my parents out with, it’s a good time to finally rest and think. To think about how I can serve Him better, how I can minister to others around me, and to just simply marvel at His love for me.

Mmm. Here’s to a full night’s rest. : D Good night!

Because I don’t know where else to update this?

I still have a lot of dreams about being in Japan. But like, I just arrived that day and just took the train out of Narita Airport and am looking for a place to exchange my dollars for Japanese yen. Strange, strange dreams.

I wake up feeling sad about not being in Japan.

Brrrr…

Is it just me or is it colder than it usually is this time of the year?

Nevertheless, thank God that he gives us changing seasons! It sure is nice to have a cold winter (minus the snow– not a big fan of it).

Mkayyy time to finish up finals week. Woohoo!

Joy :)

The Lord always reminds me to be joyful during finals week. It’s hard, it’s stressful, and it’s frustrating when you’ve tried your best to be diligent the entire quarter but still find yourself short on time.

But then the Spirit reminds me that it’ll all burn anyway. Don’t take it too seriously. “You’re not bringing your gpa into eternity,” I’m reminded.

Puts things into perspective. Then I start thinking about eternity and start getting really excited. But then I realize that ochem’s still staring at me. So I go back to it, joyfully.

Things to be thankful for (and not just at Thanksgiving season)

[Caution! Long, rambly entry! But plz read it anyway?]

This year has been a year full of challenges that would’ve made me or broke me in previous years. It’s such a testimony to God’s goodness and faithfulness in sanctifying me in just the short four years that I’ve been saved for.

As Thanksgiving is comin’ around the corner, LBC had its annual Thanksgiving dinner. The food was wonderful and the company was better, but the best part of it all was the sharing time. Now, I’m usually not very good at sitting through these because I have the tendency to be very inward and not care if it isn’t related to me somehow (and I’ve completely aware of the fact that it’s a lack of love for people… workin’ on it). But tonight was just so sweet. I’m not even trying to muster up the feeling that it was encouraging… it really was. I couldn’t help but to smile with every single person who shared.

So here’s a list of things that I’ve thankful for. Post your own. I demand it. Haha.

Moon Choi is thankful for…

1. Salvation. I had the privilege of leading the new visitor’s orientation today (it was kinda weird) but as I got to the back of the pamphlet and began to share the gospel, it felt so sweet as I was able to share it with someone. Every time I share the gospel, I can’t help but think, “Moon, is this something that you really believe with all your heart?” and as I think, “Yes, this is the only thing I have hope in,” I feel joy seriously rising in my chest and I can’t help but be floored by the thought that God made him who knew no sin to be sin on my behalf… that he would crush his own son, just so that he can credit belief as righteousness. The gospel only gets sweeter and sweeter as I get older.
2. Lighthouse. I’m not gonna lie… didn’t really dig LBC when I first got there. Haha. I only stuck around ’cause I began to realize that it had the kind of teaching that I was hungering for my whole life and because I was too lazy to church hop. Haha. But praise God! I got saved and baptized at LBC. Met my closest friends there and met ladies who are, in a sense, my spiritual mothers. I see so much joy and love in the church and it challenges me to strive toward loving others all the more.
3. My roommates. I shared this at the Thanksgiving dinner today, but I think that my mind was all over the place when I was sharing. Haha. I love my apartment. It’s warm, no cold air leaks in from the outside, and apart from the pest problem that we’re having in the kitchen, it’s clean and cozy. I love my apartmentmates even more. We could still be living at 2107 at janky La Regencia and it wouldn’t matter. Living with Grace, Wury, and Jen has been an absolute privilege. We all have very different personalities (though Grace and Wury tend to be more expressive while Jen and I are more reserved), it doesn’t matter because our common foundation is in Christ and we’re all running in the same race, toward the same goal. I’m so thankful to be able to come home to an empty apartment and feel lonely (because it means that I miss my roommates…).
4. Trials. Ok, so who wants life to be easy? I sure do. But no growth comes from that. I’m thankful that the Lord tests us and puts us through trials that stretch us, challenge our faith, and make us all the more desperate for him. To be able to say through tears, “It is well with my soul”– only with the full assurance of salvation and hope that one has in Christ can that happen.
5. Bible. This has been an anchor for me since I got saved… I’ve found so much refuge, so much comfort in God’s Word. I’m thankful that it reminds me of who God is and that he is greatly to be praised– regardless of my circumstances! It’s a double-edged sword, but it’s also a love letter from our Abba.
6. Family. God has blessed me with a very loving, understanding family. My parents aren’t your stereotypical Korean parents. My dad was a philosophy major in college. What the heck, right? And he even told me not to go to med school. As puzzling as it is, my parents have always loved me, even as a brooding adolescent, and have put up with  me when I got really emotional over nothing. They continue to provide for me in every way possible, even if it takes a toll on them. Plus, they’re funny. Hahaha.
7. Writing. Or, I should say, language. The ability to communicate thoughts and emotions… it’s amazing. A big reason why I wanted to learn Japanese was so that I could write stories in Japanese. Each language has its own beauty and it’s amazing that God created it to be that way. When I was in high school and, pretty much, had no close friends, my diary was always there. It’s a very poor substitute, I understand, but at a time when no one else was there for me, words and creativity were always there. I love words like I love people, almost.
8. Education. I’m thankful that I’m able to major in microbiology and minor in literature/writing. It’s such a privilege to attend UCSD and to receive an awesome education. And what a wonderful place to meet new people, Christian and non-Christian alike! I’m thankful that God gave me the opportunity to be on such a campus and to receive an education, and that I live in a country where it’s so readily accessible.

Okiedoke. It’s nearing midnight and I have a deadline to meet. But hope that Thanksgiving has been filled with much joy, family, food, and thankfulness! Bye byeeee.

Mmm… :)

You know when you have those moments when you’re just sitting back and taking a breather and you feel just so content with the moment? Regardless of anxieties, regardless of issues, regardless of circumstances. Just contentment.

I’ve been having a lot of those moments recently. Because I’m learning more and more that God is God and I’m not, and that He loves me very much, even when He doesn’t have to.

It’s a good feeling.

Coffee on an empty stomach was a bad idea

That explains why I’m still up at 3:33 AM.

In a lot of ways, today’s been a tough day. Externally, it was actually a pretty good, productive day. But my mind is raging and after the sweet peace that prayer brings, there’s still all this excessive writing energy that’s left and I’m using the last of it for the night on here.

I’ve been meaning to update this thing for a while now but whenever I get to it, I forget what I wanted to write.

It’s amazing to still feel God’s love and mercy, to know that He chose me before the world was formed and that I am His for all eternity. So from point A (not that there was a finite point when He chose me… so let’s say that point A is just an arbitrary moment in eternity past) to point B (which extends through eternity future), God decided that I was His. So that makes all this time in between that much more secure. Get my drift?

There are times when I still do waiver. I get all these crazy questions in my head or there are certain things that severely discourage me and after despairing, do I realize the steadfastness of my God.

And that this God had already won me over, that He had already resolved to say to me that I am His, don’t worry about it, He’ll pay for it all.

And that this God is mine as well.

How sweet the gospel is.